The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
