It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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