Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
