I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
