Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
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That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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