Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
