Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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