now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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