make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
