ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
