i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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