ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize