I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I smell stomach acid.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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