remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
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I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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