im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
love makes seman taste better
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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