I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
