Will you blow on my dice?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
