i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
