I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
