I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
