I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
