My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
