she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
