Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
