Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
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