the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
