was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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