I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
