I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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