You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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