Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
