Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
