i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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