We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
