hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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