When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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