I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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