Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
