I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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