I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
