I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I believe in your delicious
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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