i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
