I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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