He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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