I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
