I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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