There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
