The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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