We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
