I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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