Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
