Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize