It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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