i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
