the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
