i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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