this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
