I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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