Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
