Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
