That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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