Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
