it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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