Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
