We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
